Let me tell you, it feels really good to feel like me again.
Maybe it’s just a high after a low, but I feel really good. I really do. This life of mine that felt like a wreck a few weeks ago has slowly been coming back together. And yeah, I’m still on the fritz a little with some people, but for the most part, I feel pretty good. There’s one part that I’m a little…uneasy…about. I’m not all that surprised though. I never really fit with that one group anyway.
But some friends and I talked, and it helped. Maybe I just think that they understood what I said but the fact remains that I said it and that alone makes me feel better. I just gotta be me. That’s all. And I don’t have to “try” to do that. I just got to “be” it.
So here’s to a new beginning. Let’s hope it sticks.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
*Sigh*
Yeah, you probably don't even want to read this. It's pretty darn depressing.
How did I get here? I feel like my life is a wreck.
I totally screwed up. How can I go back and change it? I’ve burned so many bridges that I’m stuck on an island with no way off. I lost friends. I lost people. People. I cared about these people and now they disappear. I used to think they were my best friends, and they’re gone. I don’t know why. I don’t know how. I hate it. I can’t talk to them without feeling like the kid who screwed up his life. I used to have it together! I used to be the one who could say, “Now, look, if you do it like this, it would have been okay.” But I can’t say that anymore. I thought I was genuine, the real deal, you know? That I was me, and just me, not anyone else. I thought everyone else wasn’t really who they thought they were.
The kicker is this: I’m the phony. Man, am I a phony. I can’t say whether someone else is right or wrong. How can I? I’m so stupid. I can’t believe how dumb I was. How dumb I am. I’m such a self-righteous jerk. I don’t know why anyone puts up with me. I wouldn’t put up with me. All my stupid jokes and stupid attempts to act like I’m somebody. They don’t matter anymore really.
Darn it what did I do that made me like this? The thing that makes me happy is all wrong. It shouldn’t be. And when I do start to get happy, to think about it, to remember it and smile, I can’t enjoy it. Because, you see, I know that it’s just not possible for me to stay feeling like that. When something starts getting really good, I know that I’ll feel terrible soon. Why? Why can’t I let go of things? You think by now, after ticking so many people off and being such and idiot I would have just said, “Forget it all.” I can’t.
Sad thing is, I can’t even remember the past and be happy about it. Because I don’t know if any of it was real. Maybe everyone was just a big phony. Maybe no one really cared anyway. Maybe I’m just a big pain of a loser that gets in people’s way and they’re too sorry for me to tell me to go away. I always feel like that. Like I’m a bother to people. I think they talk about me when I’m not around. I think people say how much of a phony I am when I’m gone or how annoying I am. It’s no accident that I’m always stuck at home while everyone else is out and about with their friends. No one wants to hang out with a phony, you know? I can’t blame them really. I wouldn’t want me around either.
But the one person that I know doesn’t think any of those things about me, I can’t hang around that person. Life sucks. It just does. And it’s made worse because I am convinced that I just annoy people. I just can’t believe anyone would really want to be around me. Believe it or not, I was an optimist. Then I ruined things. It all started one day with one bus ride and one person. I could point to a time in history and show you that’s where my life completely changed course. For the better in one way, and for the worse in some other ways.
Maybe it’s all just because I feel so alone a lot of the time. Like I’m reaching out for something to keep me afloat and it’s not there. I can’t find the support from the things, from the people around me. I’m just lost in the middle of an ocean, and it’s dark now and I don’t know which way land is.
Or maybe not. Maybe I’m just a phony.
How did I get here? I feel like my life is a wreck.
I totally screwed up. How can I go back and change it? I’ve burned so many bridges that I’m stuck on an island with no way off. I lost friends. I lost people. People. I cared about these people and now they disappear. I used to think they were my best friends, and they’re gone. I don’t know why. I don’t know how. I hate it. I can’t talk to them without feeling like the kid who screwed up his life. I used to have it together! I used to be the one who could say, “Now, look, if you do it like this, it would have been okay.” But I can’t say that anymore. I thought I was genuine, the real deal, you know? That I was me, and just me, not anyone else. I thought everyone else wasn’t really who they thought they were.
The kicker is this: I’m the phony. Man, am I a phony. I can’t say whether someone else is right or wrong. How can I? I’m so stupid. I can’t believe how dumb I was. How dumb I am. I’m such a self-righteous jerk. I don’t know why anyone puts up with me. I wouldn’t put up with me. All my stupid jokes and stupid attempts to act like I’m somebody. They don’t matter anymore really.
Darn it what did I do that made me like this? The thing that makes me happy is all wrong. It shouldn’t be. And when I do start to get happy, to think about it, to remember it and smile, I can’t enjoy it. Because, you see, I know that it’s just not possible for me to stay feeling like that. When something starts getting really good, I know that I’ll feel terrible soon. Why? Why can’t I let go of things? You think by now, after ticking so many people off and being such and idiot I would have just said, “Forget it all.” I can’t.
Sad thing is, I can’t even remember the past and be happy about it. Because I don’t know if any of it was real. Maybe everyone was just a big phony. Maybe no one really cared anyway. Maybe I’m just a big pain of a loser that gets in people’s way and they’re too sorry for me to tell me to go away. I always feel like that. Like I’m a bother to people. I think they talk about me when I’m not around. I think people say how much of a phony I am when I’m gone or how annoying I am. It’s no accident that I’m always stuck at home while everyone else is out and about with their friends. No one wants to hang out with a phony, you know? I can’t blame them really. I wouldn’t want me around either.
But the one person that I know doesn’t think any of those things about me, I can’t hang around that person. Life sucks. It just does. And it’s made worse because I am convinced that I just annoy people. I just can’t believe anyone would really want to be around me. Believe it or not, I was an optimist. Then I ruined things. It all started one day with one bus ride and one person. I could point to a time in history and show you that’s where my life completely changed course. For the better in one way, and for the worse in some other ways.
Maybe it’s all just because I feel so alone a lot of the time. Like I’m reaching out for something to keep me afloat and it’s not there. I can’t find the support from the things, from the people around me. I’m just lost in the middle of an ocean, and it’s dark now and I don’t know which way land is.
Or maybe not. Maybe I’m just a phony.
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