Things on the Mind

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. And it’s given me a lot of things to say with no one to say them to, and a sense of not being sure how to say them anyway. A long time ago (I think two years still counts as a long time ago), a friend told me they liked me a certain way…you know, more than a friend. But see, here’s the thing: I didn’t really know them all that well at the time. We’d just started to hang out, just started to get to know each other. I’d been down that road a thousand times and 999 of those times, the person is friendly for a few weeks, maybe months, in some exceptional cases, even longer, but eventually, they just sort of disappear out of my life. And honestly, that’s how I thought this would be. Figures that this would turn out to be one out of a thousand cases that didn’t work that way.

But that’s getting a bit ahead of myself. Whoever is reading this, if anyone is reading this, I don’t know how long it will be. But I’ve needed to get it out somewhere for a while now. You can think it’s stupid; I do most of the time, but it still is there, no matter how I feel about it.

Anyway, like I said, this new friend liked me…a lot more than I thought she could, or would, or would ever want to. I was having a hard time to believe it, because see, I hadn’t done anything for her or done anything that would make me stand out from anyone else. I was just…really…myself around her, and for once, that was good enough for someone. It was a good feeling, a really good feeling. She wanted a relationship, and for a number of reasons I wasn’t sure of and am still not sure of, I said no.

I didn’t give her the explanation she deserved because, well, I didn’t even know why I said no. Maybe I was listening to people around me too much.

You know, come to think of it, that was a fun time. It really was. There was a lot less fighting between some people then. Funny. The one person who told me to go for it is now the one person who doesn’t want anything to do with my friend.

Sorry. I was saying that I was listening to people. People told me it wasn’t a good idea. And…well…yeah, how was I supposed to know? I was just starting to know the person, right? I can’t say that I really “knew” her. So, like I said already, I said no and gave a half-hearted (if that) explanation as to why I didn’t want a relationship.

Stupid. I knew why. I wasn’t good enough. That’s how I felt. I wasn’t good enough to be there for her. I wasn’t…outgoing enough to do all the things that a partner is supposed to do, or what I thought a partner was supposed to do. I couldn’t see myself as being enough for her. It wasn’t what people were saying or anything she said. It was me. It was me not doubting myself and thinking that she could do so much better than a guy like me. I just didn’t want to be boring, which is exactly what I thought I’d be. But how do you explain these things to someone? How can you say “Don’t think about me, you’ll just be disappointed” without sounding like a self-pitying jerk?

But, and this is the crazy thing, after all that, after side-stepping and not giving her a full explanation why I said no (and I wouldn’t tell her, incidentally, until two years later), after flip flopping back and forth on things—she still wanted to be friends. I really couldn’t believe it. I thought she would be mad. She should have been. But she wasn’t. And we stayed friends, and I’m so glad we did.

So we kept in touch, talked, got to know each other better, and all that wonderful stuff. The next year, she got a boyfriend. I felt good about it. It meant that she wasn’t upset about me being such a jerk toward her. She was happy and we were still friends.

Then things started to change. I guess I should mention that I was friends with her boyfriend. Or thought I was. It turns out he doesn’t like me. At all. When I’ve seen him lately, he hasn’t even responded to a “Hi there.” But let’s not get ahead of ourselves again. What was happening was, the guy, her boyfriend, he didn’t like that she was friends with me. She never really told me how much he didn’t like it until a few days ago. She should have stopped talking to me. But she didn’t. She said I meant to much as a friend to her. And, once again, I was a little amazed that anyone would want to be my friend that much.

Another year passed, and that brings us to now. Her boyfriend is graduated, they still love each other, but she still talks to me, even though she’s not supposed to. And this year…this year…she’s my best friend. I don’t know what I do without her. School would be a lot more boring and a lot lonelier, I suppose. I never really had someone who really “got” me like she does. It’s pretty awesome. Sounds great right?

Well…here we go again. Her boyfriend, the graduated one, he still thinks she isn’t talking to me at all. She knows she’s not supposed to. But she does. I just don’t get it. We tried to stop talking once…and that lasted a week. I never really got how big of a deal it was that she wasn’t supposed to talk to me until a few days ago.

It turns out, if you boyfriend did know she was talking to me, he’d break up with her. Break up with her. Can you believe that? I don’t want to put that weight on her. I told her that. But she wants to be my friend anyway. I told her not to worry about. She still wants to be my friend. It’s…just incredible.

Why would she do that for me? I don’t want to hurt her. But…it doesn’t seem to matter to her. What if someone would tell her boyfriend that we talk and hang out at school? I don’t want to think about it.

And now…now I don’t know what to do. I should tell her that I can’t keep talking to her…that I shouldn’t make her be, basically, lying to her boyfriend. That’s wrong. Extremely wrong. But could I do that? And more importantly, do I want to do that?

No. No I don’t.